Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
being pregnant is like rehab
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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