no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
