I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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