is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
