The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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