you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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