she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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