Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
