boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
