The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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