i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
