I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
smell my finger.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
