Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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