in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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