let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
