my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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