Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
