I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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