even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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