toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
