Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
