i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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