Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
How does one acquire holy water?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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