You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
