He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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