He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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