I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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