does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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