Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
