New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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