i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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