some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
