You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
