i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
He better not be in your backpack
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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