it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize