Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
