I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
