Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
