girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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