hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
