So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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