I think I just saw someone hide a body.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
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