broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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