I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
