IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
