Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
