I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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