She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
