she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
