i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
