I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
