u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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