I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize