Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
