If you die in college, do you die in real life?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
