Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
